Hello and welcome to 2009!  I hope you had a wonderful holiday season and Happy New Year.

As we know, January is a time for setting resolutions.  We also know that resolutions tend to be broken.

The most common resolutions that people make include:

ü     Losing weight

ü     Becoming more fit

ü     Giving up something (unhealthy food, smoking, drinking)

ü     Reducing debt

ü     Getting organized

These topics become important to us towards the end of December because the holidays are typically a time of excess.  We eat, drink and spend too much and we don’t get enough sleep. 

By January 1, we’re emotionally and physically ready to get back into a routine and we make resolutions based on this readiness.

By mid-January, however, we’re starting to lose our motivation.  We may not be seeing the results we had hoped for or we’ve set goals that require major changes that are difficult to maintain.

So, in order to support you, here are some tips for keeping your New Year’s Resolutions.

1. Find a goal that is really, really attractive for you.  Don’t do something just because you feel you should or because “it’s the right thing to do.”  Find a goal that excites you – for whatever reason.

Most resolutions are made on New Year’s Eve without a lot of forethought.

Spend some time thinking about why you want to achieve this goal and what meaning it would have in your life when you achieve it.

2. Set a smart goal.  A smart goal is:

S – Specific

M – Measureable

A – Attractive

R – Realistic

T – time-limited

Examples of goals that are not SMART:

I will eat better.

I will become well-read.

Examples of goals that are SMART:

I will make vegetables the main ingredient in dinner three times this week.

I will read three chapters a week in A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway until I have finished it.

3. Take baby steps.  Change has to be manageable.

You need to set goals in small increments based on where you are now. 

Want to drink more water?  How much do you drink now?  If you don’t drink any water, don’t make it a goal to drink eight glasses tomorrow.  Trust me, your bladder will thank you for this.  Make it a goal to drink one glass a day for the next week.  Sure, you’re short of the daily intake recommendation of six to eight glasses but if you drink one glass a day you’re doing way better than you were last week when you weren’t drinking any. 

It takes approximately three weeks to establish any new habit.  Making small, slow changes makes it much easier to stick with them.  Each change builds upon the last one and each change should be well established before you add a new one. 

Picture a set of stairs where you climb one step at a time.  Each step also has a level place where you can rest if you need to.

4. Get rid of the all or nothing thinking.  Go easy on yourself. 

A resolution should not be a matter of doing it perfectly or not doing it at all.

Most resolutions are long-term lifestyle changes.  The goal should be to do better than you were even if it’s not 100%. 

For instance, if your goal is to eat healthier, we know that proper eating includes five to nine servings of fruits and vegetables every day.  Let’s say you started the year not really eating any fruits and veggies.  Over a few weeks you’ve built up to a habit of eating four servings per day. 

Then comes the week where life happens and you’re not consistently eating four servings.  We all have those weeks.

Rather than throwing up your hands in despair because you’ve broken the resolution, tell yourself that you’ve merely been sidetracked.

Have a look over the last week and notice why you didn’t get as many servings as usual.  What could you change or incorporate for the next time life happens?

Then get back to your four servings a day.

5. Tell people about your resolution.  Be accountable for your plans.

We tend to get projects finished at work and at school because we have deadlines and someone making sure we meet them.

Personal projects don’t tend to have that accountability to another person.  So create some!  Tell supportive friends and family what you’re doing.  Hire a coach.  Write down your goals so you remember them.

I guarantee that there is nothing that gets us moving faster than knowing that someone will be asking “soooo, that thing you were doing back in January, how’s that going??”

6. Use positive language when stating your goal.

Say: “I will eat 4 to 5 servings of fruits and vegetables every day”

Not: “I will not eat junk food.”

The reason for this is that our brains don’t process the negative word “not”.  Our brain hears “I will eat junk food” and then what do you go and do?  Right!  Exactly what you said you weren’t going to do.

Here’s an example of this.  Right now, I’m going to ask you to NOT think of a purple elephant with white spots.

What did you think of?

I’ll bet it was a purple elephant with white spots. 

And if I ask you to NOT think of potato chips?

Yep.

7.  Incorporate rewards.  Change is hard!!  Congratulate yourself for what you’ve accomplished.

We don’t tend to be very good at celebrating our little, imperfect selves so here’s a list to get you started.  Feel free to add to this list.

Go to the library

Take yourself to lunch

Sleep in

Have a bath

Watch a silly movie

Colour a picture

Get a massage

Close your eyes and think of someplace warm for five minutes

Say yes to something new

Say no to something

Spend the day in your pyjamas

Make a snow angel

List 5 things you do well

Pet a dog or a cat

Bake a white cake and put food colouring in the batter

Let someone do you a favour

Listen to your favourite music

Rearrange a room

Try a new flavoured coffee or herbal tea

Turn up some music and sing along

Read a good book

Enjoy some alone time

Send a card to yourself

Call a good friend

8. Think of a resolution as a chance to try something new.  Instead of making a resolution that sounds like a punishment, think of fun things you can try.

Want to lose weight?  Go try a belly-dancing class (tons of fun and a great workout)

Want to eat more veggies?  Have fun finding new recipes (assuming you enjoy cooking)

Want to be a better conversationalist?  Get a subscription to a magazine that interests you so you can stay on top of current events (or better yet, borrow some back issues from the library).

Make it fun.

9.  Keep trying! 

Human beings are imperfect.  Setbacks are normal. 

Knowing this will help you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going if your motivation flags.

The more you keep at it, even with setbacks, the greater the likelihood that you will succeed. 

The worst thing you can do when trying to make a lifestyle change is throw up your arms in despair and throw in the towel.

10. Recognize that you DO have the power to change.

You have no choice about what’s already happened in your past.  You definitely have the power to affect your future.  Setting goals is about making a choice to take control of our future.

Even if you don’t make it all the way to where you want to be, it’s much better to have taken a few positive steps towards your goal rather than staying at exactly the same place that you’re dissatisfied with now.

Make that choice to move forward in your goals.

Feel you need some support with your resolution?  Why not try coaching?

A session or two may be all it takes to keep you on track.

An Open Letter To My Neighbours

Dearest Neighbours

We are delighted to advise that here at Chez Diva our toy collection continues to grow.

Diva-ette is unwilling to allow any toys to take a holiday or pull up stakes and move away completely. 

Therefore, it has been determined that the toys can no longer be contained in their assigned areas and they are about to take over the living space heretofore allotted to the comfort of the three people and one cat.

After careful consideration of all of her options, Diva-ette has determined that the best solution to this dilemma is for us to move in with you.

While we are certainly looking forward to spending much more time with you, in order to allow everyone to adjust to this change gradually, we feel it would be best to wait until the toys have completely taken over all remaining living space. 

Through careful extrapolation of the data, I have determined that this will occur on or about December 26, 2008.

Please prepare our accommodations accordingly.

While we have enjoyed the occasional wave and brief discussion of the weather over our shared fence, I look forward to this opportunity to get to know you on a much deeper level.

Sincerely,

The Entire Diva Family

‘Tis the season to be jolly.  And yet many of us spend this time of year racing around trying to accomplish all the tasks we’ve set out for ourselves.  Baking, shopping, wrapping, seeing every family member you haven’t seen for the rest of the year.

As the holiday season approaches, I have compiled a list of action items to help you stay stressed.   Feel free to have a giggle as you read through these.

1. Don’t exercise.  If the item you want is not within easy reach of your La-Z-Boy, it’s not worth having.

1. Eat junk food. Related to this point – skip meals.  Especially breakfast.  Learn to LOVE that shaky, crying, everybody-done-me-wrong adrenaline rush you get from having low blood sugar. That festive feeling really kicks in after your body has used up every last calorie and nutrient it has stored.

1. Say yes to everything.  The PTA is having a bake sale?  Tell them you’ll contribute eight dozen cinnamon buns (a lovely labour-intensive treat).  The local ladies’ auxiliary wants you to volunteer to wrap presents?  Grab your band-aids and go!

1. Lose your sense of humour.  Notice the negatives in every situation you encounter.  Make sure to share these observations with everyone around you.

1. Keep your cell phone, PDA, Blackberry and pager on at all times.  Be prepared to answer their insistent beeps at the drop of a hat.

1. Set really, really high standards for everything.  If it can’t be done perfectly, don’t do it at all.

1. Take all comments made by others personally.  Of course it’s about you. 

1. Tell your friends you’re much too busy to see them.  Anyone who’s ever been emotionally supportive for you will stick around and be available when you decide you’ve got time. 

1. Avoid those practices that are nothing more than ethereal woo-woo.  Yoga, meditation, walking quietly in nature, savouring a cup of tea.

1. Do it all yourself.  You’ll be able to finish everything by yourself because you’ve cut out non-necessities like exercise, eating and fun.

Grateful.

It seems appropriate given that we are in the middle of the “thankful season” right between Canadian and American Thanksgiving.

An attitude of gratitude.  The gratitude journal.  We’ve all heard these phrases being tossed about on Oprah and Dr. Phil.  But what do they mean?

How many things can you list right now that you’re grateful for?

How many things can you list that you’re feeling crabby about? 

Generally, it’s easier to think of the negatives right?  My shoe hurts.  What am I going to make for dinner tonight?  That darn family that keeps expecting to get fed dinner in the first place!

The gratitude journal is a book where you write down at least five things every day for which you’re grateful.

There are many benefits to keeping a gratitude journal.  One of the biggest benefits is that it trains you to focus on the positives in your life.  Often, we can miss those.  When you focus on the positive, you feel better.

Five tips for keeping a gratitude journal:

1. Find something you like to write in.  It doesn’t matter if you go out and find a pretty journal or if you just grab a writing pad.  As long as it fits your needs, use it.

1. Find a specific time each day.  It’s too easy to forget to do at first.  You may want to do it first thing in the morning or last thing at night.  Choose a time that works for you.

1. List at least five things.  Feel free to list more but five is the minimum.

1. Be specific.  Take the time to think about it.  Don’t list the same items from yesterday.  Rather than writing down “my family” write down what specifically about your family you’re grateful for. 

For example, I’m grateful for my daughter but, yesterday morning specifically, I was grateful for the fact that I had the power to make Diva-ette laugh so suddenly she spit her milk out.  When I go back and read that entry, it will trigger my memory of that moment (and I’ll probably feel grateful again).

1. Be consistent.  Do it every day for at least two weeks.  Notice how you feel after that time.

There are going to be days when it will be hard to find something to be grateful for.  There is always something, though.  The very fact that you’re reading this e-mail means you have the ability to read.

Some days the only thing you may find that you can be grateful for is the fact that you’re breathing.  But that’s the point.  You’re here.  You are breathing.  How fabulous is that?

Here’s an e-mail I received a while ago from Lisa B (used with permission)

Just wanted to share something with you… When I was on a plane a couple of weeks ago, I had an opportunity to do some reading (something that I don’t take enough time to do)…and there was an article about making a gratitude journal.  I thought that was great and I immediately made a list of what I am grateful for in my life – and the list is long I am happy to say.  I just feel that people tend to focus on the negative parts of things – what we don’t have or what we wish we could be…. Doing a gratitude journal makes you focus on what you do have and is very positive. I think everyone should make one, just to give us some perspective and proper focus on our lives.

I couldn’t agree more. 

Today we’ll talk about how to “fix” these errors. 

This list of methods is paraphrased from David Burns’ book The Feeling Good Handbook, an excellent resource if you want to de-clutter emotionally.

In the last newsletter when discussing cognitive errors, I had given some examples of thoughts I may have had after having forgotten to take out the garbage.  

Before we begin, it’s important to remember that it’s your perception of an event that causes you to think about things in a negative way.  Some people forget to take out the garbage and don’t worry about it in the slightest.  Other people get very upset.  In both cases, the event is the same.  So the key is to change your perception rather than the event itself.

1. identify the distortions

In this method, you identify the negative event.  Then you write out your thought and estimate your belief in the thought on a scale from 0 to 100 where 0 is “I don’t believe that at all” and 100 is “I absolutely believe that and nothing could change my mind.

Once you have written out the thought and estimated your belief, you then identify the cognitive error in the thought.  You then substitute a more rational response for the thought and estimate your belief in that thought on the same scale.

And if you haven’t managed to follow that extremely long-winded, jargon-filled explanation, I now provide you with an example.

Identify the negative event: I forgot to take out the garbage.

What thought am I having: Arrrggghh!!  I forgot to take out the garbage again!!  I always forget!!  I’m an idiot!

Rate my belief:  60

Identify the error: Overgeneralization, All or Nothing Thinking, Labelling

Substitute a more realistic thought: I forgot one time.  I don’t always forget and that doesn’t make me an idiot.  I do lots of things that prove I’m not an idiot.

Rate my belief in this statement:  95

Now my perception of this event is much more realistic.  I can accept forgetting to take out the garbage as no big deal and move on with my day.

Now at this point I know you’re thinking “But, Lisa!  That’s a lot of work to go through every time a have a negative thought!”

Not to worry!  This is a step-by-step explanation for correcting a cognitive error.  If you practice it on paper for a bit, you’ll soon get better at catching and correcting your errors quickly in your head. 

1. Examine the Evidence.  After you identify your thought, ask yourself what the evidence is. 

Example:  I’m an idiot.  What’s the evidence?  Hmmm…not much.  I forget thing every once in a while but that’s pretty normal.  Our neighbour who has a PhD used to run down the street with his garbage can with his bathrobe flapping every week trying to catch up with the garbage truck.

1. The Double Standard Method – are you expecting yourself to live up to a higher standard than you would other people?  If a friend told you he forgot to take out his garbage one week would you think he was an idiot?

1. Re-Attribution.  Are you blaming yourself for something you may not be entirely responsible for?  What other factors may have contributed to the negative event?  For example, my alarm didn’t go off so my morning was rushed and that’s why I forgot to take the garbage out.  Next week I’ll make sure the alarm is set.

1. Cost-benefit analysis.  Ask yourself how it will help you to believe the negative thought and how it will hurt you. 

We all know what physical clutter is.  It’s “stuff.”  Stuff that gets in your way.  Stuff that you trip over.  Stuff that collects dust. 

Emotional clutter is the same.  It’s “stuff” made up of thoughts.  Thoughts that get in the way and cause you to trip.

Thoughts like “Oh, I could never do that.”

Thoughts like “Things never go right for me.  Why should I even try?”

Notice the use of the word “never” in both of these examples.  This is what’s referred to as “all or nothing thinking”.  This type of thinking is black and white.  If something isn’t perfect, then it’s a complete failure.

All or nothing thinking is an example of what psychologists refer to as a “cognitive error.” 

Now before you begin cataloguing all the times that you have done this, know that errors in thinking are very common.  We all do it.  People who do it more often, however, will experience more emotional clutter.  How would you ever get started on a goal (or even get out of bed) if you started off thinking “I’ll never be able to do this.”?

And to prove that we all do it, even those of us with education and experience on this topic, I will provide examples of my own thoughts within the past hour week or so.  Ahem. 

1.    Overgeneralization

You see a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat; if something has happened once you assume it will always happen.

Example:  Arrrggghh!!  I forgot to take out the garbage again!!  I always forget!!

2.   Mental filter

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively

Example:  So what if I remember to do other things and am generally reliable?  I forgot to take out the garbage again!  This drives me crazy!! 

3.   Discounting the positive

Positive experiences are rejected because they don’t count

Example: okay, I admit I haven’t forgotten for about 6 months or so.  But still!!  I forgot this time!!

4.   Jumping to conclusions

You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support that conclusion

a.   Mind-reading: You conclude that someone is reacting negatively to

you without checking out the facts

Example: Oh, I know Mr. Diva is going to get irritated with me for having forgotten.  He won’t let it go that I forgot again.

b.   Fortune-telling: You predict things will turn out badly

Example:  Hmmmpppffff.  This just proves I’ll forget again next week.

5.    Magnification

You exaggerate the importance of your problems or shortcomings; you minimize your desirable qualities

Example:  what will the neighbours think??  I bet they all think we’re slobs.  I better go to the next Neighbourhood Association meeting because if I don’t I KNOW they will be talking about us.

6.   Emotional reasoning

You assume that your negative emotions reflect the way things actually are (e.g. I feel guilty so I must be a rotten person)

Example: I feel bad for having forgotten therefore I am irresponsible.

7.    Should statements

You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped them to be (e.g. I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes)

Example:  I should remember to take out the garbage every week.  Really, it’s so simple.

8.    Labelling

Name-calling; instead of “I made a mistake” you say “I’m an idiot”

It is important to remember that you are not the same as what you do

Example:  I’m so irresponsible.

9. Personalization and blame

When you hold yourself responsible for an event that isn’t entirely within your control. Alternatively, some people blame others for their problems and fail to see how they might be contributing to the problem.

Example:  Well, 7:30 am is just a stupid time to be doing garbage collection.  Really, the city should know that people can’t possibly get their garbage out that early and they should move pick-up times to later in the day.

Fortunately, this example is a humorous one.  But you can see how this type of thinking would be much more hurtful if the issue were more serious.

One of the first steps for clearing emotional clutter is to start noticing when you’re committing a cognitive error.

Next up – once you’ve starting noticing these thinking errors, how do you change your thoughts?

Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

What do you do?

Front space

This space is very important.  It sets the tone as the person comes into your house.

Grab a box and pick up everything that’s not supposed to be there or looks like clutter.  Don’t sort through it now.  Just grab and go.  Stash it somewhere. Sweep up.

Kitchen

Empty the dishwasher if you have one and stash dirty dishes in there (and I will admit right here and now that, when I have not had a dishwasher, I have been known to stash dishes in the oven. Just don’t leave them there. I’m just sayin’.).

Sweep the floor. Keep the lights low.

If you’ve got Pillsbury cookies in the freezer pop them in the oven.  The cookies make the house smell nice and you’ve got something to serve.

Bathroom

Inevitably someone is gonna need to go.  Close the shower curtain.  Take window cleaner and paper towel or some of those pre-moistened cloths and give the fixtures a quick wipe. 

Empty the garbage (alternatively, instead of emptying the garbage I will often take a plastic bag and spread it out over the top of the garbage so you can’t see what’s under the bag).

Entertaining area (usually living room/dining room)

Pick up clutter in a box (same procedure as front hall). 

Give surfaces a quick wipe.  Spray room freshener and/or light a scented candle.

All other rooms – close the door!

Happy entertaining!

You’re a Big Person Now – How Do You Make Friends?

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.  ~Douglas Pagels

When we were kids, making friends seemed to be no problem at all.  At school, we were herded together in groups called “classrooms” and we picked from that bunch.  At home, as long as we were within earshot of mom yelling “Dinner!!” every kid on the street was fair game.

You’d spot another kid playing and make a straight-forward approach:  “Wanna play?”  And that was it.  You were friends.

Now as adults, the rules for making friends have changed but no one has told us what these new rules are.

I went out for lunch recently with a woman I worked with years ago and whose company I really enjoy.  At the end of the lunch I found myself asking her:  “So, ummmmmm, like, I really enjoy your company so without….ummmm….seeming needy, how soon can I see you again?”

Smooth.

Researchers have found that having good social support decreases our vulnerability to stress.  Some researchers have even gone so far as to say that having a strong social network improves our physical health.

A strong social network means different things to different people.  Some people are happy with just a few very close friends.  Other people like to have many casual acquaintances.  Whether it’s an old friend who’s known you since you were a child or a quick chat with the neighbour over the fence, you are the best judge of what will work for you. 

Here are six tips for making new friends:

1. Go out.  Your new friends are not going to suddenly show up in your living room (unless you really enjoy hanging out with the cable guy).  Find something you’re interested in and do it.  Play a sport.  Take a class. Volunteer.  Join a book club.

1. Be a beneficial presence.  Be that person who’s a joy to be around.  Make it your goal to leave people feeling better about themselves.  Notice the positives around you and comment on them.

1. Look for common interests.  If you met the person in a group (a class, a book club, a sports league) you know you have at least one common interest right there.

1. Invite the person out for a casual occasion.  Go for a coffee for an hour.  This is not the time to invite them to your family reunion where they can meet the folks.  You can invite them by saying something like “I notice we both have an interest in soccer/painting/entomology.  I’d love to get together with you to discuss it.”

1. Be a good listener.  Try to learn more about the person.  People love to feel they’re being heard.  Don’t try to top the other person’s stories with “Well, you think that’s bad, wait until I tell you what happened to me.”

1. Relax.  Friendship should flow.  Don’t feel you have to push it.  If you try to rush it, the other person may feel pressured.  A friendship is something that builds over time. 

Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.  ~Rod McKuen, Looking for a Friend

Mornings can be one of the most chaotic times of the day.  Trying to get everyone washed, dressed, fed, watered and out the door with everything they need can be a challenge.

Oh yeah.  And all of this needs to be done ON TIME.

Here is a list of strategies you can use to get yourself and everyone else out the door.

1. Do as much as possible the night before.  Choose your outfit and lay it out.  Have your children choose their outfits.  Make lunches.  Pack lunch bags, diaper bags, briefcases and backpacks.

1. Designate a “launching pad” near the door.  This is a place that should be free of any clutter except items that have to go out the door in the morning, like backpacks.  This can be a bench, a small table, a basket or even just an area on the floor.

1. Establish a routine.  You may need to experiment with this to find out what works best for you.  Everyone should be getting up and doing the same tasks in the same order each morning.  For instance, in our house the routine is get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, brush teeth, and go.

1. Get up earlier.  Even 10 to 15 minutes extra can make a difference.  Try getting up 10 minutes earlier for a few mornings.  If that’s not enough, after a few days or a week, get up 10 minutes earlier again.  Now you’ve added 20 minutes to your routine without doing anything drastic.

1. Make sure children know what their responsibilities are.  Some children respond well to a chart with pictures that they can check off as they complete each task.  Some children respond well when you make it a game.  Who can get dressed the fastest?  Who can do the silliest walk to the front door?

1. Notice what bugs you in the morning and make a small change.    Not awake enough to get the water to coffee grounds ratio correct for the coffee maker?  Set the coffee maker up the night before and, if you don’t have a timer function, in the morning all you’ll have to do is press the on button.  The kitchen is like a mosh pit as everyone scrambles for their breakfast?  Assign one person to put out all necessary items (or, again, do it the night before) and another person to work the toaster.

1. Delegate.  Even small children can and should help out. 

1. Experiment.  Routines will change as schedules change and as children grow and are able to do more.

By simplifying your morning routine, you start the day off on a positive note and you’ll be able to get out the door ready to tackle the day. 

Actually, I have a bunch of ideas but I can’t seem to settle on any one of them.

Has this ever happened to you?

Decision Making 101

Get clear on the number of alternatives you have.  Is this a yes/no decision or are there multiple outcomes (like buying a new car or choosing a place to live)?

Gather information about each alternative.  What do you need to know in order to make an informed decision?

Know when to stop gathering information.  No decision is ever the perfect one.  It can be very difficult to know how much information is enough.  You may want to set deadlines for yourself or figure out which variables of the decision are the most important.  For further discussion of this, click here http://lisasutton.wordpress.com/2007/07/23/analysis-paralysis/

Make a list of pros and cons.  What are the reasons for and against each alternative?

Assign a value to the pros and cons.  Certain variables will be more important than others.  Going back to the new car example (can you guess what I’ve been shopping for?), the pro of having rear side air bags as a safety feature has more value for me than the con of not being able to get the car in a beeeeyoootiful purple colour. 

Or not.  Because getting the car in a blazing purple means that Mr. Diva will be less inclined to want to drive it.  And it’ll be mine.  All mine!!  bwa ha ha.

What does your intuition say?  Are you leaning towards or away from one option even though you can’t quite put your finger on why?  Pay attention to that feeling.

Accept that you make a decision based on what you know now.  Do not allow the potential for new information to keep you from deciding now.  You might never make the decision because there’s always the potential for new information or upgrades or changes or whatever else might happen. 

Oh look!  More shameless self promotion!  Discuss the decision with a neutral party.  Someone who doesn’t have a stake in the decision.  Like….oh, I don’t know…..a coach!  Okay, okay.  Or a friend, or your neighbour or anyone who may have information about the decision that you might not have.

Make your decision and act on it.

Looks as if I made a decision as to what to write in this newsletter.  Yay!  Now that’s off my mind.

Now what am I gonna make for dinner…….